On grabbing oneself

It happens every once in a while
you must know how it feels
but I won’t throw the words at you

If you ever saw me
Say it like it’s not a big deal
Without even looking
If you’d let me whole,
Tell me
Like it’s the most common thing in the world
Because, if you emphasize,
even for one second
I’ll already be gone.

I’m not gonna stay quiet though
Not ever
Not when I need to speak up
But I often wish
I was someone who is quiet
so I could feel okay
being as loud as I want
when I need to.

Maybe I would be better at resting
if I was a slightly quieter version
of who I am

Caring for you will never be enough
Not because you need more passion
or intensity
Not because it’s not strong enough
It’s just that
« I care about you »
is what every violent partner ever said
to their victims

It’s not that I’m that much of a monster
but anything can hurt
if it’s loud enough
and my love is usually very, very loud.
You think you’ve been through worse ?
But, darling,
that’s never been the point.
Better than the worst isn’t the same as good
and if it’s not good enough in politics
then it’s nothing close to enough
when it comes to love.

I’ll come around, eventually
after you’ve told me
without looking me in the eyes
because you knew it would scare the hell out of me
I’ll say things of my own
and stop when I want to
I’ll say things that you already know
and maybe some of the things
that you couldn’t have guessed
I’ll say all the things
that I need to say louder

But for now
I’m sat at the cafe
you know which one
I’m writing words I won’t have to explain
because people will take them
and make them their own
and then I’ll be
« you do whatever you want with them
who cares what’s real
who cares what I wanted
they’re yours now »

I’m sat and writing
and I’m not lonely
Pierre is pouring me glasses of water
Loïc is complaining
because I won’t drink milk
I’m with characters and feelings and things
that should feel safe some day
everything is where it should be
I’m taken care of
for now.

I’ll come around
and tame myself into going back there
But I need time
before I can go back into the world of living
without panicking

Publié par

Florence Rivières

Autrice, comédienne, tête de mule. Aussi modèle, photographe, couteau suisse. Troubadour, hippie, féministe. Et d'autres mots encore.

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